I Am…

…responsible for myself.

Unexpected

Things have been rather stressful lately at work. Well, same old problem actually… Bah, not worthy of further elaboration. Would be more fruitful to think of how to solve things instead. And, do the solving.

And so, I’ve been letting it all out on people dearest to me, especially poor, poor, poor Pighead. Sorry, darling, I’ve been very unreasonable, I know. :’(

Few hours ago, I attended a local singer’s performance at a nearby music cafe. Hours before that, I was still debating whether or not to go, due to a tight budget (…it’s so hard to save money!) and of course, my usual laziness.

The performance was scheduled at 9.00 p.m. and I actually reached there 20 minutes early (…man, I haven’t been that early for quite some time -_-”’), hoping to get a good seat.

Alas, I didn’t. It was not really a very big place, with some of the tables reserved for orang-orang yang berkenaan (translation: relevant persons), not to mention most of the tables were four-seaters or more, and me being alone… I ended up with a table in the smoking area instead. *sweat*

I ordered their fried rice and a chocolate smoothie. They were okay by my standards, hehe. Hmmm, I think I’ve fallen in love with chocolate smoothies… But they are always so expensive! *hrumph* Halfway through my meal, I noticed two six-seater tables in the non-smoking area being made available. I was very tempted to move myself to one of them, but decided against it. I was alone, after all. *sob* I decided that I was going to be content with listening to the performance from where I already was.

The performance didn’t start on time, and that was actually quite a big minus point for me (despite being a chronic latecomer myself…). I kind of suspected that it was probably going to start at 9.30 p.m. instead as that was the regular starting hour for the usual performances at the music cafe. And I was right.

Hey, if you were going to start at 9.30 p.m. then say the show is scheduled at 9.30 p.m. okay??? *hrumph*

Well, the show started and to my dismay, I realized there were no speakers in the smoking area, thus the sound was extremely blur, given the fact that the smoking area was separated from the non-smoking area with ceiling-to-floor glass panes. After a little dilly-dallying and a prompt from the singer, I left my bag at my table and finally went to the non-smoking area with the intention of asking some patrons whether or not I can share a table with them. But I met one of the persons-in-charge halfway and asked him for a seat in the non-smoking area as I couldn’t hear clearly in the smoking area. He wasn’t of much help as all the tables were occupied there, but he apologized and did mention that I could stand at one side of a wall that was not blocked by anything. *sweat*

Absurd as that sounded, that’s what I ended up doing anyway. *sheepish grin*

I gave up on my original mission and went back to my table to decide my next step. And found that they’ve cleared my table, including my 20% yet-to-be finished smoothie! *sob*. I intended to finish off that smoothie, okay! *hrumph* Whining to myself and without further ado, I collected my bag and everything and went to the counter to pay up. And, I saw my smoothie on the counter!!! I was sooooo tempted to finish it off there and then!!!!! *whine*

Well, I didn’t. Sigh.

So I paid the bill with a heavy heart and claimed my spot by the wall. There was a ceiling spotlight there, if I wasn’t mistaken. I actually felt a bit highlighted, what with the waiters and waitresses walking to and fro in front of me and two occupied tables at each of my sides. -_-”’ This is usually where my thick-skinnedness kicks in. I wasn’t the slightest bit ashamed. =P

But, to my utter surprise, the singer, Jet, actually asked me to sit at one of the reserved tables in front!!!. He caught me standing by the wall halfway through his third song and saying that he was afraid I might get cramps as it was a long night ahead, made the invitation on the stage in front of everyone!!! Oh yeah, I was definitely highlighted. *sweat*

Truthfully speaking, I did notice the empty seats there and personally thought that they were a bit wasted. *what*

Nevertheless, despite being so openly invited, I still moved reluctantly towards the table (which was right in front of the stage!). Despite my thick-skinnedness, I was quite shy also lar… *sheepish grin*

Finally getting the seat that I desired in the first place, I immersed myself in the songs. I originally intended to leave by 10.00 p.m. as I didn’t want to reach home too late into the night. Well, with a big minus point for starting late and having to stand by the wall all by myself, the move was well accounted for. But with the VIP seat and the mesmerizing melodies, I lost all motivation to leave early… *sheepish grin*

Frankly speaking, I’m not really familiar with Jet. I’m not even his fan to start with. Yet I was there. For no apparent reason, just because I felt like it. -_-”’ Well, okay, some of his songs really struck out to me and he left me with good impressions (straightforward, originality, lovely songs…) over radio interviews that I managed to catch.

I’m terribly glad that I was there. :)

Listening back to my mp3 player recording of the performance… I think he talked too much. =P But I really enjoyed the live performance, seriously. I wished I could play the keyboard as well as Yu Heng, who was Jet’s special guest. And I wished I could write beautiful songs as well as they do.

Some of the songs really touched my heart. And made me thought of Pighead and my parents, especially my dad. Especially the last few ones. The last one, Hua De Hua (translation: the message of the flowers) made my tears flow as it reminded me of what my dad had said when I relocated myself to the big city more than two years ago, informing him of my plans only weeks before I was scheduled to fly. I was afraid that he would oppose my motion heavily. The song sang about what his parents told him when he left to travel around the world on his own without telling anyone.

He sat just opposite me after the show! I honestly didn’t know how to react and was a little nervous. Thank goodness he was there only for a few seconds. *phew*

I was so touched by the last few songs, so much so that the emotions stayed with me well into the CD and poster signature session. I was the first to get his CD after that, and I was also the first to get his signature. Nearing my breaking point, i.e. tears (hey, anything emotional related to my dad makes me cry…), I asked for a photograph with him, to which he consented to without qualms. As I told him that listening to him made me cry, my tears started to trickle. But we managed to get a good picture together. ^.^

I think he ran out of things to say, or he probably couldn’t get what I was being so touched about, because his comments were, uh, let’s just say I couldn’t feel with what he responded. A little on-the-surface kind of comment, the kind that you say just to say it, if you know what I mean. *sweat* But he’s graciously forgiven. =P

And I did the unexpected thing.

I hugged him. With my tears trickling.

Yeah.

Listening to my recording again, of the last song, I feel like hugging him all over again. I’ve always loved that song, ever since the first time I heard it on the radio. It’s the kind of song that you feel as if someone understands what you’ve been through when you listen to it. Yeah.

Sigh.

I felt so silly during my walk home, yet happy and liberated, haha. I felt like crying again at certain points, when I thought of what I thought during that last song.

A wonderful and meaningful night indeed. I was truly meant to be there and it did me good emotionally. Thank you very much, Jet Yi Jie Qi! *hugs*

… … …

Thank you, Lord. From the bottom of my heart.

Their Birthdays

My sister just showed me some pictures in her handphone, which made my heart a little sore at the core. They were from my brother, taken at home using his camera handphone during the small birthday celebrations of my mom’s and dad’s. They were a bit blurry due to low resolution of the camera handphone, but still, a picture speaks a thousand words…

In all the pictures, it was obvious that my dad is having problem with his eyes. He wasn’t looking at the camera handphone at all. Just a smile in each of the pictures. Well, according to him, his left eye is still okay but things are very blurry in his right eye. And to prevent further strain on his right eye, he shuts it most of the time, seeing the world with his left eye only now. From experience, I know that that can be quite uncomfortable as well.

He doesn’t drive anymore, but he still works. Because we children who are already working are still not able to support the family. The story is long and I don’t see the need to explain it here.

Nowadays, he only goes to work on working days and church on Sundays. He used to join some movements in church and also held some positions in some associations back when there was no problem with his eyesight. I guess he has pulled out from all of them since. And he had lost quite a bit of weight too. All of a sudden, he became so fragile…

I wish I was there to celebrate their birthdays, my mom and dad, as well. I didn’t have a thought about it at all until I saw those pictures, and now regret is tugging at my heart and I wonder whether there’s chance to make up for it… whether I’ll waste the chance again…

We celebrate our birthdays according to the Chinese lunar calendar at home. My mom said it is for us to remember our lunar birthdays and after all, friends would be celebrating our birthdays according to the Gregorian calendar. Not really, but I attribute that to my lack of good social skills. Doesn’t matter anyway.

I actually forgot their birthdays. I had to have my cousin sister to remind me. Shame on me.

From the pictures, my guess is that my siblings surprised dad with a birthday cake. And I was surprised that my dad actually agreed to take pictures in clothes that are not so, uh, presentable, something he had always stressed on. There was once when I insisted to take a picture with him, but he simply refused, dodged and ran away. No kidding. And I think he was actually amused with all the dodging and running away, even though I was a bit upset.

Don’t do that with your kids, it’s not good for your relationship.

And for my mom’s birthday, now that’s quite a bit of a story to tell, as if carefully arranged by God, too many coincidences to be a coincidence… I’ll leave it for another entry.

… … …

I feel much better now. I don’t know why I cry everytime I think deeply about my dad.

Pray and hope that I won’t take things for granted again and again… and again.

I Hate Debts!

Am feeling quite irritated. With stress from everywhere. @$%#@^&%#!!!

I whole-heartedly hate debts!

Financial debts, to be exact.

Pighead has them. My dad has them. Damn.

The thing with debts, especially credit card debts, is that if you don’t pay them off, the interest will build up like crazy and before you know it, hellooooo, your debts had actually doubled or tripled since you last checked the original amount!

Okay, I’m exaggerating. Well, I’m terribly not pleased, to put it mildly. *sulk*

Man, I’m awfully cranky!

And I hate my weak planning and management skills too!

Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl~~
I asked my mother, what would I be~~
Would I be pretty, would I be rich~~
Here’s what she said to me~~

I used to love this song when I was little. Didn’t have much meaning to me then, just loved the melody, that’s all. >.<

I’ve been doing less thinking lately, which had relieved me from quite a bit of unnecessary pressures that I’ve been putting on myself all this while. Pressures that stayed as pressures, pressures that didn’t do me any good, other than making me feel worse about myself. *sigh*

I have the tendency to set certain behavioral rules and standards for myself, as well as spend unbelievably long time (hours, days, even weeks…) to come up with some seemingly-attainable-but-not-quite-realistic goals. And of course, with me being me (laziness, procrastination… ahem…), I often failed to adhere.

I’d then blame and scold myself for all the opportunities that I’ve missed, indulging myself in irrelevant activities (e.g. drama marathons, ahem…) to take my mind out for joyrides first, promising myself to deal with the pressing matters after I’m, uh… fully relaxed. *what*

If there’s a listener, I’d eagerly (figuratively speaking, ahem…) pour out all my anxieties and insecuritites. It did help a lot with my emotional turbulences. The sad thing is, I still didn’t know how to help myself…

And the cycle repeats itself over and over again. Plan, set, no action, fail, joyrides, whine, plan… I run, and run, and run. In circles. Which is why I never really did got anywhere.

Yeah, very pathetic, I know.

… … …

Then all of a sudden, I began to understand and accept myself as I am.

All this while, I’ve always expected myself to follow a success mold that wasn’t suitable for me. Like what I’ve read, seen and heard, I wanted to pursue dreams, I wanted to be successful doing the things that I love most, I wanted financial freedom… But I didn’t know how to do it my way. Most importantly, I didn’t know that a dream can be as simple as being a good wife and mother. I didn’t know that being able to take good care of the household and bringing out the best in the people I know can also be the very simple elements of a successful life.

I haven’t discovered anything simple about the financial freedom part though, hehe. Anyway, theoretically speaking, it shouldn’t really matter if I can be comfortable in my own skin and at the same time be the source of inspiration, happiness, help and solace to the people around me, with friends that I can reliably count on in turn when I need help.

Of course, it’s not as simple as it wishfully sounds. Which is why, if I’m able to do it, am I not a great person already? The only difference between that and the social definition of success that I can think of now is that I would not be socially rich, famous and influential.

Uh… I think I wouldn’t be too bothered by that. Seriously.

Then there’s the possibility that I might somehow, one way or the other, get myself helplessly entangled and embroiled in some sort of a battle of power of the rich, which results in difficult lawsuits that will require extensive connections and not to mention plenty supply of the dough… Hmmm, that would be an interesting thought to keep in mind…

Sorry, I digressed. *paiseh*

Anyhow, one of my best buds once explained this to me a while back, but it didn’t register with me then because the image of success in my mind had been hopelessly tainted with the notion that there is this specific path to follow in order to be successful. Simply put, I have to get myself involved in a certain field, preferably something that I love, and make a big thing out of it. It would be a bonus if people, especially people who knew me from way back, would cast admiring glances at me and take me as their role model.

Like I said, hopelessly tainted. -_-”’

And I allowed myself to be influenced by what I thought the people around me would think of me every now and then, even though my pride insisted that I don’t care about such opinions at all. I thought I was already being myself, without realizing that, so far, my personality was actually built on assumptions of public (and also private… just imagine the amount of unnecessary thinking that I’ve done… *sweat*) opinions of me.

It is oh… so… tiring…

I am still trying to find a success mold that actually fits me, who I really am. I’ve been denying myself of such luxury since who-knows-when, I find that I still have trouble identifying myself.

I have decided to let things happen as they would as time goes on, pretty much of what I’ve been doing all along anyway, the only difference being me giving myself full permission to do so now, giving more acknowledgement to myself. *v-sign* *chuckles* I will still dutifully plan out my life, more realistically this time, but I promise myself not to be overly disappointed as much if things do not unfold as expected.

Yes, even if I obviously didn’t try hard enough. *chuckles*

I still believe that everything happens for one reason or another.

And now, I also believe that although life may seem to be perfect for another person, that person’s life may never be perfect for me.

Que sera sera~~
Whatever will be, will be~~
The future’s not us to see~~
Que sera sera~~
What will be, will be~~

What will be, will be.

Two Wrongs Make A Right?

Like it or not, we have to admit that we live in a world where two wrongs actually make a right. *sigh*

… … …

… … …

… … …

Dang, I had a wonderful inspiration to blog something on this few moments ago but it flew away when I got distracted with another blog entry. Kapoot-ed, just like that.

Could have been such an inspiring entry. I’m mad at myself (hmmm…when am I not anyway…). *sulk*

A Boring Life?

A rough glance at my twenty plus (I’m actually approaching thirty, gosh…) years so far and only one word comes into mind… bland. *doink*

Then again, I’m slow at reactions (well, I’m slow at everything else too anyway…), so I’ll give myself the benefit of doubt. After all, it is just a rough glance. *shrug*

Maybe because I’m so slowww, sometimes I actually find it hard to bask myself in the moment, unless it’s something that totally knocks my senses into life. For example, a good friend’s wedding or… a funeral. *what* So if you catch me looking blur and bored when you’re talking to me or spending time with me, it’s simply because I haven’t really caught on. *sheepish grin*

Things are a’changin’…

Then again, when aren’t things a’changin’ anyway?

Only when we stubbornly hold on dearly to things that we hope will remain the same forever, I guess.

Shame On Me

I feel as if a bucketful of rocks has just been dumped on me. Ouch.

Call Me Panda

It does seem like the dark circles affecting the beauty of my eyes ain’t goin’ anywhere for the time being. @.@ They couldn’t anyway even if they wanted to, with me still procrastinating my sleeping time. *slump*

And if I don’t watch it, soon, they might just be there for eternity. *gasp* *shudder*

Please do pardon my idiocy, I tend to do things that I know is not good for my own good (otherwise known as bad habits…) and scare myself after that from time to time. *sweat* But be rest assured that it’s nothing serious, though it probably would be in the long run. *sweat a lot*

The company is undergoing another round of change, both in terms of staff as well as management. To me, this time, it seems like the whole organization is being shaken up from head to toe…figuratively speaking, of course. And of course we all hope for the best outcome. *cross fingers*

As for me, I finally feel the deep pressure to really change my working habits. I’ve been in my comfort zone for far too long, so much so that I don’t even realize that I’m losing myself because of it. It’s happened to me quite a few times before (both related and unrelated to work) and it’s happening to me again. I really don’t want to let it happen to me ever again lah… *whine*

And that is why I’m feeling the same feeling of insecurity all over again. Not to say really scared, but I am worried that I would not be able to live up to expectations again. Especially my own expectations.

Back To Square One

Gosh, it’s been quite a while since the last time I actually blogged.

Not a lot of things have happened though, it seems (or perhaps my unrested mind’s playing tricks on me again…).

Chinese New Year in the big city was boring and meaningless. And it wasn’t a happy Chinese New Year for me too. I’ve sworn to myself that I’ll be celebrating next year’s Chinese New Year in my hometown no matter what. And I will.

Then I began to lose interest in the financial course. I would’ve skipped the final exam all together hadn’t it been for my sister who was taking the same course as well. I was a big influence in her decision to take up the course, which she regretted far earlier than I did for my own. *sweat* I encouraged her when she was doubtful about it, even to the extent of taking up the course myself…

Well, okay, I didn’t really took the course to encourage her lar. *paiseh* The thought that a career with the professional certification could help me with migration matters one day replayed itself in my mind over and over again when I was contemplating whether or not to register back then (I hereby stress that I literally have no knowledge whatsoever about migrating, it remains one of those I-think-I-want-but-I-am-too-lazy-to-do-anything-about-it stuff in my head). And it was such a coincidence that I was a wee bit interested in the subject of investing too back then. And fate found its way~~~ So to speak. *clear throat*

Alas, little did I know that I’d be discouraged by numbers and formulas again. I should’ve known. -_-”’ *slap forehead real hard* It was a classic case of self-deception at work again. *sigh*

Anyhow, I don’t really hold myself entirely responsible over my sister’s decision to sign up for the course. After all, she did make the decision out of her own free will. And also, the main reason she didn’t want me to give up was not to waste the money I invested (in other words, dumped, ahem…) in the course. Still, I feel guilty for having influenced her when I thought I was encouraging her. *sweat*

Days approaching the mock exams and especially the final exam (…and also hours endured during the exams, i.e. a total of six hours per exam separated into two sessions of three hours each!) were a total drag, which is a bit surprising considering the fact that I simply refused to study. And for a very simple excuse too: to avoid stress. *slump* Still, despite being totally unprepared, I still fought the last few fights with a wee bit of dignity. At least I bothered to read through all the questions and tried my best to answer lah when I could have just simply shot and blackened the answers and walked out of the exam hall within the first hour. I tell you, even though all the questions were multiple-choice questions, it took quite a lot of thinking to derive the correct answer as the questions and answers were equally tricky, dun play-play.

Sigh, I may have managed to shun away from the stress of studying but I was bugged by the stress of not studying instead. -_-”’ Kept feeling as if I’m supposed to do something but I’m stubbornly refusing to do it (obviously…).

Anyhow, just about one week shy from the final exam, I went back to my hometown to have a short break from everything in the big city, most importantly, to attend one of my best pals’ wedding. And, to eat my mom’s cooking every single day for one whole week! ^.^ It was great seeing and spending time (uh, so to speak…) with my parents and my younger siblings again. And all the meeting, reminiscing and sharing with old friends only made me miss home even more whenever I have bouts of homesick-ness…

I’ll blog about the weddings that I’ve attended so far one day. *cross fingers* *sheepish grin* Can’t believe three of my best buddies are married, with one of them expecting a child this coming August! And I think it’s a girl. *wink*

Back to the financial course, everything’s over now and I am so not going to continue to the next level of the course. Even if I pass, which is obviously quite impossible, not that I care anyway. *bored look*

Finishing off the final paper of the final exam really saw one very relieved me, but weird enough, I felt very empty for days after that. It was as if my life lost all directions all together at once (well, it’s not as if I did have clear directions to begin with but still…). Figuratively speaking, I was moving on auto-pilot, going through all my daily routines just for the sake of routine… @.@ And I didn’t feel anything at all, no happiness, no depression, no nothing.

Well, I’m in a better condition now, although still rather slowwwww… I don’t know what came over me during that fazed period, maybe I was just recuperating from the loss of a goal in life, I guess. *shrug*

Whatever that was and no matter what state I’m in now, it’s time for me to rethink my goals again. And be dead serious about them this time.

I will continue to fight the evil spirits of complacency and procrastination in me (what, it’s a difficult battle for me, ya’ know… I’m practically their symbol of embodiment, shame on me…). @.@

It’s July already. Boy, time sure is in a hurry to run from one calendar to another calendar when you’re aging… >.<