Like it or not, we have to admit that we live in a world where two wrongs actually make a right. *sigh*
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Dang, I had a wonderful inspiration to blog something on this few moments ago but it flew away when I got distracted with another blog entry. Kapoot-ed, just like that.
Could have been such an inspiring entry. I’m mad at myself (hmmm…when am I not anyway…). *sulk*
A rough glance at my twenty plus (I’m actually approaching thirty, gosh…) years so far and only one word comes into mind… bland. *doink*
Then again, I’m slow at reactions (well, I’m slow at everything else too anyway…), so I’ll give myself the benefit of doubt. After all, it is just a rough glance. *shrug*
Maybe because I’m so slowww, sometimes I actually find it hard to bask myself in the moment, unless it’s something that totally knocks my senses into life. For example, a good friend’s wedding or… a funeral. *what* So if you catch me looking blur and bored when you’re talking to me or spending time with me, it’s simply because I haven’t really caught on. *sheepish grin*
Things are a’changin’…
Then again, when aren’t things a’changin’ anyway?
Only when we stubbornly hold on dearly to things that we hope will remain the same forever, I guess.
I feel as if a bucketful of rocks has just been dumped on me. Ouch.
It does seem like the dark circles affecting the beauty of my eyes ain’t goin’ anywhere for the time being. @.@ They couldn’t anyway even if they wanted to, with me still procrastinating my sleeping time. *slump*
And if I don’t watch it, soon, they might just be there for eternity. *gasp* *shudder*
Please do pardon my idiocy, I tend to do things that I know is not good for my own good (otherwise known as bad habits…) and scare myself after that from time to time. *sweat* But be rest assured that it’s nothing serious, though it probably would be in the long run. *sweat a lot*
The company is undergoing another round of change, both in terms of staff as well as management. To me, this time, it seems like the whole organization is being shaken up from head to toe…figuratively speaking, of course. And of course we all hope for the best outcome. *cross fingers*
As for me, I finally feel the deep pressure to really change my working habits. I’ve been in my comfort zone for far too long, so much so that I don’t even realize that I’m losing myself because of it. It’s happened to me quite a few times before (both related and unrelated to work) and it’s happening to me again. I really don’t want to let it happen to me ever again lah… *whine*
And that is why I’m feeling the same feeling of insecurity all over again. Not to say really scared, but I am worried that I would not be able to live up to expectations again. Especially my own expectations.
Gosh, it’s been quite a while since the last time I actually blogged.
Not a lot of things have happened though, it seems (or perhaps my unrested mind’s playing tricks on me again…).
Chinese New Year in the big city was boring and meaningless. And it wasn’t a happy Chinese New Year for me too. I’ve sworn to myself that I’ll be celebrating next year’s Chinese New Year in my hometown no matter what. And I will.
Then I began to lose interest in the financial course. I would’ve skipped the final exam all together hadn’t it been for my sister who was taking the same course as well. I was a big influence in her decision to take up the course, which she regretted far earlier than I did for my own. *sweat* I encouraged her when she was doubtful about it, even to the extent of taking up the course myself…
Well, okay, I didn’t really took the course to encourage her lar. *paiseh* The thought that a career with the professional certification could help me with migration matters one day replayed itself in my mind over and over again when I was contemplating whether or not to register back then (I hereby stress that I literally have no knowledge whatsoever about migrating, it remains one of those I-think-I-want-but-I-am-too-lazy-to-do-anything-about-it stuff in my head). And it was such a coincidence that I was a wee bit interested in the subject of investing too back then. And fate found its way~~~ So to speak. *clear throat*
Alas, little did I know that I’d be discouraged by numbers and formulas again. I should’ve known. -_-”’ *slap forehead real hard* It was a classic case of self-deception at work again. *sigh*
Anyhow, I don’t really hold myself entirely responsible over my sister’s decision to sign up for the course. After all, she did make the decision out of her own free will. And also, the main reason she didn’t want me to give up was not to waste the money I invested (in other words, dumped, ahem…) in the course. Still, I feel guilty for having influenced her when I thought I was encouraging her. *sweat*
Days approaching the mock exams and especially the final exam (…and also hours endured during the exams, i.e. a total of six hours per exam separated into two sessions of three hours each!) were a total drag, which is a bit surprising considering the fact that I simply refused to study. And for a very simple excuse too: to avoid stress. *slump* Still, despite being totally unprepared, I still fought the last few fights with a wee bit of dignity. At least I bothered to read through all the questions and tried my best to answer lah when I could have just simply shot and blackened the answers and walked out of the exam hall within the first hour. I tell you, even though all the questions were multiple-choice questions, it took quite a lot of thinking to derive the correct answer as the questions and answers were equally tricky, dun play-play.
Sigh, I may have managed to shun away from the stress of studying but I was bugged by the stress of not studying instead. -_-”’ Kept feeling as if I’m supposed to do something but I’m stubbornly refusing to do it (obviously…).
Anyhow, just about one week shy from the final exam, I went back to my hometown to have a short break from everything in the big city, most importantly, to attend one of my best pals’ wedding. And, to eat my mom’s cooking every single day for one whole week! ^.^ It was great seeing and spending time (uh, so to speak…) with my parents and my younger siblings again. And all the meeting, reminiscing and sharing with old friends only made me miss home even more whenever I have bouts of homesick-ness…
I’ll blog about the weddings that I’ve attended so far one day. *cross fingers* *sheepish grin* Can’t believe three of my best buddies are married, with one of them expecting a child this coming August! And I think it’s a girl. *wink*
Back to the financial course, everything’s over now and I am so not going to continue to the next level of the course. Even if I pass, which is obviously quite impossible, not that I care anyway. *bored look*
Finishing off the final paper of the final exam really saw one very relieved me, but weird enough, I felt very empty for days after that. It was as if my life lost all directions all together at once (well, it’s not as if I did have clear directions to begin with but still…). Figuratively speaking, I was moving on auto-pilot, going through all my daily routines just for the sake of routine… @.@ And I didn’t feel anything at all, no happiness, no depression, no nothing.
Well, I’m in a better condition now, although still rather slowwwww… I don’t know what came over me during that fazed period, maybe I was just recuperating from the loss of a goal in life, I guess. *shrug*
Whatever that was and no matter what state I’m in now, it’s time for me to rethink my goals again. And be dead serious about them this time.
I will continue to fight the evil spirits of complacency and procrastination in me (what, it’s a difficult battle for me, ya’ know… I’m practically their symbol of embodiment, shame on me…). @.@
It’s July already. Boy, time sure is in a hurry to run from one calendar to another calendar when you’re aging… >.<
