Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl~~
I asked my mother, what would I be~~
Would I be pretty, would I be rich~~
Here’s what she said to me~~

I used to love this song when I was little. Didn’t have much meaning to me then, just loved the melody, that’s all. >.<

I’ve been doing less thinking lately, which had relieved me from quite a bit of unnecessary pressures that I’ve been putting on myself all this while. Pressures that stayed as pressures, pressures that didn’t do me any good, other than making me feel worse about myself. *sigh*

I have the tendency to set certain behavioral rules and standards for myself, as well as spend unbelievably long time (hours, days, even weeks…) to come up with some seemingly-attainable-but-not-quite-realistic goals. And of course, with me being me (laziness, procrastination… ahem…), I often failed to adhere.

I’d then blame and scold myself for all the opportunities that I’ve missed, indulging myself in irrelevant activities (e.g. drama marathons, ahem…) to take my mind out for joyrides first, promising myself to deal with the pressing matters after I’m, uh… fully relaxed. *what*

If there’s a listener, I’d eagerly (figuratively speaking, ahem…) pour out all my anxieties and insecuritites. It did help a lot with my emotional turbulences. The sad thing is, I still didn’t know how to help myself…

And the cycle repeats itself over and over again. Plan, set, no action, fail, joyrides, whine, plan… I run, and run, and run. In circles. Which is why I never really did got anywhere.

Yeah, very pathetic, I know.

… … …

Then all of a sudden, I began to understand and accept myself as I am.

All this while, I’ve always expected myself to follow a success mold that wasn’t suitable for me. Like what I’ve read, seen and heard, I wanted to pursue dreams, I wanted to be successful doing the things that I love most, I wanted financial freedom… But I didn’t know how to do it my way. Most importantly, I didn’t know that a dream can be as simple as being a good wife and mother. I didn’t know that being able to take good care of the household and bringing out the best in the people I know can also be the very simple elements of a successful life.

I haven’t discovered anything simple about the financial freedom part though, hehe. Anyway, theoretically speaking, it shouldn’t really matter if I can be comfortable in my own skin and at the same time be the source of inspiration, happiness, help and solace to the people around me, with friends that I can reliably count on in turn when I need help.

Of course, it’s not as simple as it wishfully sounds. Which is why, if I’m able to do it, am I not a great person already? The only difference between that and the social definition of success that I can think of now is that I would not be socially rich, famous and influential.

Uh… I think I wouldn’t be too bothered by that. Seriously.

Then there’s the possibility that I might somehow, one way or the other, get myself helplessly entangled and embroiled in some sort of a battle of power of the rich, which results in difficult lawsuits that will require extensive connections and not to mention plenty supply of the dough… Hmmm, that would be an interesting thought to keep in mind…

Sorry, I digressed. *paiseh*

Anyhow, one of my best buds once explained this to me a while back, but it didn’t register with me then because the image of success in my mind had been hopelessly tainted with the notion that there is this specific path to follow in order to be successful. Simply put, I have to get myself involved in a certain field, preferably something that I love, and make a big thing out of it. It would be a bonus if people, especially people who knew me from way back, would cast admiring glances at me and take me as their role model.

Like I said, hopelessly tainted. -_-”’

And I allowed myself to be influenced by what I thought the people around me would think of me every now and then, even though my pride insisted that I don’t care about such opinions at all. I thought I was already being myself, without realizing that, so far, my personality was actually built on assumptions of public (and also private… just imagine the amount of unnecessary thinking that I’ve done… *sweat*) opinions of me.

It is oh… so… tiring…

I am still trying to find a success mold that actually fits me, who I really am. I’ve been denying myself of such luxury since who-knows-when, I find that I still have trouble identifying myself.

I have decided to let things happen as they would as time goes on, pretty much of what I’ve been doing all along anyway, the only difference being me giving myself full permission to do so now, giving more acknowledgement to myself. *v-sign* *chuckles* I will still dutifully plan out my life, more realistically this time, but I promise myself not to be overly disappointed as much if things do not unfold as expected.

Yes, even if I obviously didn’t try hard enough. *chuckles*

I still believe that everything happens for one reason or another.

And now, I also believe that although life may seem to be perfect for another person, that person’s life may never be perfect for me.

Que sera sera~~
Whatever will be, will be~~
The future’s not us to see~~
Que sera sera~~
What will be, will be~~

What will be, will be.